You are still with me.
In Psalm 139, David makes it so clear that no one knows us better than God. He sees us stand up and sit down. He sees our thoughts before we even think them. He says that when we were in our mother’s womb, we were seen and known and carefully knit together, spirit mysteriously sown into flesh. Meditating on this Psalm lately has caused my heart to be in awe of God’s faithfulness. His thoughts towards me are greater in number than the sand. And if I were to count mine in return, what would that total be?
When I look back over my life, God has always been with me and He has only been good. I was raised by a Christian mom who taught me so well, first and foremost, that Jesus loves me. At six I asked Jesus into my heart and began to have a very real relationship with Him. He went to tea parties with me. I told my friends about Him. We made a place of honor between our sleeping bags for Him during sleep-overs. I liked to take long walks with my dog and Jesus always came too. We were always together. I know this sounds so child-like but I also know now, that it was very real to Him as well as to me.
As I grew, life happened. Hurts happened. My parents divorced and the family unit was fragmented. I was so overwhelmed with hurt, I began to seek comfort in things outside of my faith. As a teen, I felt my relationship with God was slipping away. At times, I could sense Him reaching out to me, but I would choose to run to friends or boyfriends for attention instead. I remember laying in my bed one evening in my college dorm and feeling so alone. As I looked up to talk to God, I envisioned Him a million miles away and so the fleeting thought of Him possibly hearing me moved on and out of my head.
Fast-forward to about five years later. I was married and pregnant with my third child. My marriage was in dire straits and I was laying in my bed again, thinking of how I would ever make it as a single mom with three kids. It was one o’clock in the morning and I had no idea where my husband was. I thought I was completely alone. Then a loving voice spoke so clearly to my heart. I recognized it from a long time ago. He said, “You have tried your own way and what has it brought you? Why not let Me help you now?”
Where was God when I was hurting? Right there with me, hurting too. Where was God when I thought I was without anyone to talk to? Right there, wanting to talk to me. He had been there all along. He is faithful. People are not. My parent’s failure wasn’t His failure but somehow I had surmised that to be so. My trust in Him wavered because when flawed people made mistakes, I chose ironically to look to people instead of Him for comfort. This began a vicious cycle of my own failures and more disappointments, culminating in a dysfunctional mess of a life.
When I was not thinking about God at all, He was thinking about me. And when my own strength was finally depleted and my heart finally ready, He got through to me with His unconditional love. He made no mention to me at all of my failures. He made no mention to me at all of my wanderings. He only said that He wanted to help me with a voice so full of love, I couldn’t resist.
His thoughts towards me have never never changed. I have the same friend now who had been there with me when I was six. He sits with me as I drink my coffee in the morning and speaks to me as I read His word. He goes everywhere with me and has the place of honor in my life, always. And just like my younger days, I’m telling everyone I know about Him. I tell them how good He is and how much He loves them. I tell them that people can fail but God will not. He is faithful. I tell them how, when I finally woke up, He was still with me.
“How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You.” Psalm 139:17-18 NKJV
