It's Not Fair
It’s not fair! I’m bored. Do I have to? These words fly out of the mouths of children so easily these days. Instead of a post about how to answer those questions, let’s think about the mindset that creates those thoughts in the first place and what we can do as parents to promote right thinking in our children.
To the statement, “It’s not fair!” I say, you’re right. Everything isn’t equal. Everyone isn’t impartial. Everything isn’t fair. Hold on to your hat because… God isn’t fair. God operates out of His higher understandings and they are WAY higher and better than what we tiny humans see as fair. Therefore, if your children are looking at life through that small lens of fair, they will be disillusioned and disappointed with their world, their people, and maybe even their God. So, let me ask you. Are you, maybe without even realizing it, setting them up for failure with a world view of fairness in your home? Do you divide everything equally? Does everyone get a turn? For example: What do you do with two beaters on the mixer when you have three or more kids? Maybe you do take turns and somehow keep track of that. How is that working for you? What message are you sending? That the world had better keep track of them or it’s not fair. Or- maybe you just skip the whole thing and hide in the bathroom as you lick the frosting off both beaters yourself? That may save you in the moment but you are missing an opportunity to build some good things in your children (and you’re probably sabotaging your waistline if you bake often enough).
Keeping everything fair for your children is unrealistic and a low calling. There is no equity in what Jesus did for us all, laying down His perfect life, separation from His Father, death on the cross, a visit to hell, all to pay for our sinful, messy lives. And we get to make the transaction, His life for ours, unconditionally by faith. There is nothing fair about that. When we teach our children to make fair their barometer, they miss out on building the character of Christ. Fair turns their gaze inward towards self when loving like Christ turns it out. Fair is religious, ticking boxes and keeping things balanced. The higher callings of selflessness, hilarious giving, etc., can never be met in equity. Fairness also causes feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. When things don’t happen impartially, children will wonder what is wrong with them at that moment. They will place their value on whether or not they were treated “properly.” But when they are secured in the love of Christ, they won’t care about fair and will be able to do what the great commandment asks of them, to truly love their neighbor as themselves.
In this light, we can go back to the beater situation and find a myriad of teaching opportunities. Be unfair. Give one and keep one for yourself. Or ask who wants to pick one to give away. Then work the situation for good. In this moment you can teach your children the joy of receiving, the joy of giving, how to rejoice when others are blessed, how to manage disappointment, guilt, selfishness, pride...all because you were willing to risk being “unfair.” If you watch for teachable moments in your parenting, the fairness perspective can be eliminated from your home.
What will the fight of this be? Well, you may have to fight Mom-guilt here. But remember Moms that you are doing the greater work of building character in them. You should never feel guilty about taking the time to do the hard and right work of parenting. Sometimes being fair in the moment will seem easier. And I get that you’re tired sometimes and the easy way is all you can muster. No judgement here. We’ve all been there. But if you do that too much, you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face. Rest up Momma and then get ready to wipe tears of disappointment, and teach and encourage heart growth. Believe in your children enough to let them suffer some things in order to build them up to be strong and sweet.
What will the fruit of this be? Thankfulness. While needing fairness breeds entitlement, a real issue in our world today, not needing it develops a contentedness that goes beyond circumstances. Thankful children are happy children that grow into happy and contented adults. If you are hearing, “It’s not fair” or have children who aren’t thankful, that is your red flag that something needs to change. You don’t have to think up ways to respond to that statement or fix everything to be fair. Get rid of the fairness police. Equip your children with right thinking, Christ-thinking, so they are able to receive blessings when they come and to be happy and rejoice when others are blessed. Help them to be secure in who they are in Christ and to be thankful.
For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:14 NKJV.
**Don’t miss next week’s post about the second statement, “I’m bored.” I promise you, you won’t be!
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